Learning to Break Generational Cycles

For most of us, the holiday season is about embracing family traditions and making new ones with the people we care about the most. This can be an exciting prospect, but as we have mentioned on our blog before it's not all roses. The holidays can also be a challenging time due to damaging family dynamics, stress, and additional pressure while balancing your mental health. But what we're focusing on today happens somewhere between time spent (or not spent) with family and the self-reflection we do as another year comes to a close. We may look inward and begin to compare ourselves to our families and unfortunately, this revelation is not always a pleasant one. We may realize our behavior is aligning with theirs in ways we know do not benefit us, or see that we are making the same mistakes they did in the past. 

Perhaps you’ve heard of generational cycles; we touched on the subject briefly in our most recent article about avoidant attachment. A generational cycle is a pattern of behaviors, beliefs, values, and cultural norms that are passed down through generations. This can affect an entire generation to various degrees and across different areas of their lives such as mental health, social habits, or economic standing. To put it into perspective you can think about the well-known generations like Baby boomers, Generation X, millennials, and so forth. Some subscribe to the theory that the generation before dictates the behavior of the generation after. A generational cycle focuses on the broader context of what is happening societally, rather than what each parent was doing inside their homes, their challenges, and the familial context. On the other side, generational trauma, also known as ancestral trauma has an effect on families and communities on a smaller scale. Generational trauma is the echos of a traumatic effect on an individual that occurred generations prior and continues to affect the new generation. This can originate from events such as wars, economic crises, poverty, or abuse.

The way that it translates between generations isn’t always one-to-one either. If your grandparents were physically abused, it doesn’t mean that they will resort to abusing their children. Instead, the impact may look more like a coping mechanism wherein the grandparent withdraws, suffering with their mental health, and becoming cold and distant. While being raised by an absent parent is better than an abusive one, it can still leave invisible scars on the child. They then carry these wounds into their parenthood journey causing them to continue the cycle. We are undoubtedly affected by our environment, society, and those who raised us, which makes it easy to blame those around us when we see something in ourselves we dislike. However, it’s important to remember that other people’s behaviors, ideals, and past are out of our hands. The only thing that we can truly control is ourselves, and that’s where the magic can happen. The ripple that has negatively affected your ancestry for decades can end with you, and we want to offer some tips to help you begin the process.

To start, you need to understand your family dynamic and learn to recognize the traces of generational trauma that you see. You may benefit from talking to your parents or grandparents and learning about their upbringing and how it affected them. Look for unhealthy coping mechanisms, behavior that you repeat from your parents (such as overspending, or harsh disciplinary procedures) that don't make you feel good, or traditions you follow out of obligation. It’s good to provide yourself with a framework to give context to your experience, but nothing is a replacement for acknowledging it and committing to change. It’s also important to keep in mind that not everything that you inherit from your parents is negative. There’s often a tendency to overcompensate to cope with what you lacked in childhood with your children. This is where working on introspection and aligning with your ideals comes into play. You don’t have to abandon your parent's influence completely, instead, take what resonates, and leave the rest. Much like with traditions, you can pick and choose which parts stick. For example, if you loved baking cookies for Christmas but disliked attending church, you don’t have to do both. Another example might be someone who wasn’t given as much freedom in childhood may be tempted to give their child as many choices as possible. Yet, the more healthy alternative would be to find a less extreme version that honors your parent's desire for you to be safe, while still allowing your child autonomy when it’s appropriate.

While healing generational trauma it’s also important that you develop a feeling of security and compassion within yourself. Many of us inadvertently fall into unhealthy cycles because we do not feel secure or cared for, so we compensate in unhealthy ways. The best way to banish generational trauma is to become healthy, centered, and secure. You can do this by learning to take care of yourself, process your emotions, be aware of yourself and your generational cycles, and find new ways to connect with your heritage that feel good. As always, if it feels too heavy for you, or you struggle with understanding and altering your course therapy can benefit you. You don’t need to feel shackled to your history, your upbringing, or any other events from your past. You can choose to move forward in a way that honors your past while committing to a healthier happier future.

For residents of California, we are standing by to help you this holiday season. You can sign up for a free consultation to see if we are a good fit for you. We wish you all a positive and healing holiday season with your loved ones. Generational cycles can feel like a trap keeping you from your greatest potential, but keep in mind that there is hope. You have the power to work through your experiences and build a strong foundation for the house your family will live in. Your past does not define you, and this holiday we encourage you to embrace both old and new traditions that will improve you and your family’s lives. From our team, we wish you a happy, healthy, and safe Holiday Season.