Attachment Styles: Avoidant Attachment

Today we’re returning to our ‘Exploring Attachment’ series with another entry on the popular theory of attachment and the ways it shapes our connection with others. In our last post we talked about ambivalent or anxious attachment, but today we’ll be moving on to the second most common type of insecure attachment: avoidant attachment. As a reminder, this article is meant to outline the specifics of a theory and is not meant to be a replacement for proper diagnosis, introspection, or psychological care. This blog can be a great supplementary tool for understanding yourself and those around you, and much like anything about ourselves we may not love, it can be changed if we’re willing to put the effort in. With that short disclaimer out of the way; let's get into it.

Avoidant attachment is the byproduct of a parenting style that is detached, and intolerant of emotionality. Children who develop this type of attachment often are encouraged to be tough and are raised in a strict or authoritarian household. This lack of emotional connection may lead the child to conclude that it is impossible to connect with others intimately or that it’s useless to show emotion as they’re not acknowledged. Those with an avoidant attachment style are prone to a more outwardly stoic and self-sufficient mentality, but in truth, they struggle with or even fear connecting with others on a deeper level.

This is where the name ‘avoidant’ comes in, it refers to not only the avoidance of intimacy on the part of the caregiver but the avoidance of emotionality that the child adopts as a way of coping with not having their needs met. They turn inwards and away from the rejection or coldness that they felt from their parents to avoid the pain of not having their needs met. This pattern often persists into adulthood and can severely stunt their ability to have meaningful connections with others or healthily express themselves. However, this does not mean that they are lonely people as these individuals are often highly agreeable, as some avoidantly attached people have an aversion to ‘rocking the boat’.

Avoidantly attached people may struggle with trusting others enough to open up because of their experiences with their caregivers. Yet, the flip side of this is that they often become incredibly self-reliant, and cultivate a rich inner world that allows them to work through emotional challenges independently. They tend to think highly of themselves and believe in their ability to see themselves through any challenge that comes their way. These individuals also tend to be more left-brain dominant and prefer rational thinking, logic, and problem-solving over creative pursuits. Where this type might struggle is in their more intimate relationships, such as those with their romantic partner, and their future children. Avoidant attachment is often generational, and those who have this style might also have parents and grandparents with this style as well. This can become a generational ‘curse’ that may cause future generations to struggle with emotional intimacy and expression. 

Additionally, those who are avoidantly attached may inadvertently cause significant harm to those they care about most with their cold or dismissive approach to connection. For some, intimacy of any kind such as talking about or expressing feelings, showing affection, or even being authentic can be a struggle. This may lead to an avoidant’s partner feeling detached, or that they are not able to access them or have their emotional bids for attention met, which deteriorates the relationship over time. It can also negatively impact communication, and cause arguments, as avoidant individuals may not feel comfortable sharing details about themselves and their emotional state, and are often quick to shut down during conflict and retreat into themselves. This can be especially tricky when dealing with another insecurely attached partner (especially especially an avoidant one) because they might take this pattern more personally, and it can further their fear of abandonment. Aside from the pain it might cause the partner, the avoidant person is suffering too; by keeping others at arm's length they not only deprive themselves of the healing closeness they sought as a child but also avoid learning how to better open up.

Despite their outward appearance of having it together, these individuals are not exempt from having mental health struggles just like everyone else. The main difference is these folks may not have developed the tools to deal with them, so they instead suffer in silence. As a result, these people may repress their emotions, feel guilt and shame when they do have an emotional reaction, or feel lost and confused when others seek to connect with them. After reading this you might be feeling a little worried if you identify with avoidant attachment, but before you panic hear us out. As we mentioned before, our attachment style is just a framework for understanding ourselves; it is not a failing and it’s not permanent. If you feel that you have an avoidant attachment, there are plenty of ways to work through the challenges you face as a result and towards a healthier and happier way of being. As we did before, we want to offer some basic concepts to help you get on the right path.

To begin, it’s important to learn to acknowledge and accept your emotions without judgment. Because of your upbringing, you may view emotions as the enemy or a sign of weakness but this way of thinking doesn’t have to persist. Your feelings are perfectly natural, and they make you human. It’s okay to listen to your body, process and feel your feelings, and get more comfortable with expressing them. Doing so will take a weight off your shoulders, and can help you feel more at ease within yourself, and when dealing with others. Doing this can look like meditating, journaling, and taking time to be mindful and present while doing important introspective work around your emotional state. This concept can then extend to others; instead of judging others who express themselves, practice empathy. Even though it won't be comfortable at first, try to hear them out without encouraging them to deny, or suppress it. It is also important for you to learn to trust and rely on others, especially those you care about. You don’t need to dive into this step, you can start small, but eventually, you must realize that other people can meet your needs and that you can show your emotions without causing others to turn their backs on you.

Finally, as always, if you struggle with your attachment style, and it causes dysfunction in your life, we recommend you seek out the help of a therapist. A licensed clinician or counselor can help you examine patterns in your life, and help you work through the trauma you experienced in your youth, as well as provide you with invaluable tools and insight. As always, we know that insecure attachment can be a lifelong struggle and can feel unfair and stifling if left unchecked. Still, the bright side will remain that you don’t have to perpetuate a cycle that doesn't work for you. If you want to improve you can, and learning about how you interact with others, and express yourself is a great first step to take.