Attachment Styles: Disorganized Attachment

Today, we return to our ‘Attachment Styles’ series with the last of the insecure attachment types: disorganized or fearful-avoidant attachment. This type can be difficult to discuss and harder to overcome than the other insecure attachment types. However, I want to offer the reminder that our goal has always been to outline the types to help those who want to understand themselves. No attachment style is permanent, and with proper treatment and work, you can overcome any challenges you face when connecting with others. With that disclaimer handled, let's get into discussing disorganized attachments. Disorganized attachment is characterized by highly inconsistent behavior and difficulty with self-image and perception of others and arises when fear is constant throughout childhood. A child who has a parent whose behavior is inconsistent may never be able to adapt and may mentally shun the idea of closeness or relying on their caregiver, despite innately craving it. They may struggle to adapt to their parents behavior or worse come to fear their parents due to their negligent or dangerous behavior in the home.

This leads to the name ‘disorganized’, as the child learns to mirror their parent's inconsistencies in care, and ‘fearful-avoidant’ points to the central theme of fear that prevents a child from securely attaching. Children who grow up in this environment lack the proper care for their emotional and possibly physical needs as well as a positive model for healthy connection. This is not only damaging from a connection perspective, but it also puts these children at a higher risk of developing mood disorders in adulthood. Unfortunately, this type of upbringing will likely affect the child for the entirety of their life, as disorganized attachment is correlated with a number of struggles such as dissociation, self-harm, mental health problems, PTSD, addiction, and delayed progress in school. Someone with a disorganized attachment style is likely to fluctuate often in their approach to attachment. They may fawn one moment and become hostile the next never really knowing what will yield them the results they want. These individuals also have a hard time regulating their own emotional state and often struggle with self-esteem and fear of abandonment. Due to their upbringing, there can be intense feelings of worthlessness or a deeply held belief that they cannot be loved. In viewing themselves as unloveable, they often remain highly suspicious that others feel the same meaning they can never truly experience true connection. Those with this attachment style may have a hard time trusting others or positive outcomes and may become paranoid that something bad is waiting right around the corner for them or that rejection is inevitable. 

Despite these negative perceptions, individuals with disorganized attachment still want to connect. They just haven't developed the skills to do it successfully or to trust those around them to provide the connection they're seeking. This can be a difficult prospect in relationships as the idea of intimacy is not only intensely desirable it can be terrifying. This push and pull can cause dysfunction within the relationship where the affected person might self-sabotage or abandon their partner to avoid disappointment. They might even go as far as to choose partners that remind them of the chaos and fear that they felt in childhood, the familiarity of it may be more comfortable than a functional partnership. As we mentioned before, many believe that this attachment type stems from childhood trauma and abuse. Those who struggled throughout their childhood will likely have to confront this trauma and the pain that comes along with it alone as they might not have friends or a reliable partner and further might not trust a therapist to help them. These individuals need more support to rebuild their trust in others and themselves, which is why it’s essential that if you or someone you love is struggling you should seek out mental health counseling.

As for steps you can take on your own to help ease some of the burdens you face, you can begin by working on self-regulation techniques. This is one of the biggest tools that you can use to reduce self-destructive or impulsive behavior that you may regret later. Learning breathing techniques, and improving your inner dialogue about events so that you don’t enter a heightened emotional state as easily can mean that you can make decisions with a clear head. There are many different ways to approach this, and a therapist might prove helpful in finding the tools that you need to succeed. Another idea that might be helpful for you is to address and acknowledge the effects of your past and commit to a better future. Often, the mistakes our parents made with us as children become a crutch that we can hold whenever we hit a bump in the road or struggle with our mental health. Though it’s true that they might have played a role in what you experience today, their impact is not permanent unless you want it to be. Taking time to unpack your experience to help you better understand your triggers and patterns can help you recognize when you might need to take a more active role in your own behavior. Knowing your triggers can help you avoid situations that might put you at risk, and help you better choose what is best for you moving forward. 

If you feel that you might be struggling with a disorganized or fearful-avoidant attachment style take a moment to breathe. Though the effects may feel severe, self-diagnosis may yield unnecessary and untrue conclusions about yourself, and what you are capable of; it’s best to work with a practitioner if you are unsure. Not everyone with a disorganized attachment will suffer from all the criteria all the time, even those with more minor effects should still consider how it impacts their lives, others, and themselves. If your life is negatively impacted by your attachment style, trauma, or negative stigma around your past, you should consider working with a therapist to help make it right. So, if you are a resident of California and are seeking support, know that our team at bareWell is here to serve you. You can schedule a quick, confidential call with our team to see if what we offer is a good fit for you. You are not alone, nor are you unloveable. We see you, and we know that you are capable of living a healthy and happy life.