Coming Out

What could be more exciting than being your most true and authentic self? Self-actualization and understanding ourselves can be one of our greatest achievements. Still, this process can take a lot of work and emotional intelligence. True self-acceptance requires acknowledgment of both the good and bad aspects of our makeup. It involves reflection and willingness to be vulnerable. This article is in the spirit of Pride Month when those in the LGBTQIA+ Community are encouraged to show their true colors. If you or someone you love is questioning their sexuality or gender orientation, it’s important to take time to find yourself. So, in this post, we will explore the experience of coming out and some of the most essential techniques for self-discovery while questioning. We’ll also discuss positive practices for coming out to friends and family and how to love yourself no matter who you are or how you identify.  

For some, coming out can be a hard path to walk due to prejudice. Some LGBTQIA+ folks may not love the idea of labeling themselves, as their sexuality or identity is fluid. Some have their own reservations about the queer lifestyle. Some may want to avoid misunderstandings or judgment. Whatever reservations may be holding you back, it’s important to prioritize yourself and your growth and self-acceptance. Moreover, coming out is a choice; you should take it at whatever pace works for you. For some, resigning ourselves to hiding or denying our desires for others' comfort can be tempting. However, people-pleasing behaviors very rarely end up being a satisfying solution in the long run. Caring about others' perspectives and preferences does show emotional intelligence and empathy. However, overly concerning ourselves with others needs can lead to a destructive tendency to ignore our own. Choosing to be self-sacrificing can lead to conflicting emotions.

In the context of the LGBTQIA+ community, choosing to stay in the closet or denying your sexuality may put some people in your life at ease. But, it will likely make you feel you're not understood or seen for who you truly are. When something as integral to our lives as our gender identity or sexuality has to remain a secret, it can lead to many complicated scenarios. Hiding from others is never something we should want for ourselves. It’s not safe, it's not satisfying, and it’s largely not healthy. Unfortunately, in the US, LGBTQIA+ youths are disproportionally at risk for homelessness and abuse if they pursue expressing their sexuality or gender identity. However, this doesn’t mean you must entirely deny having an authentic experience. Staying in the closet has adverse effects on your mental health. Women who are not out are twice as likely as those who are to suffer from a depressive episode. 

So, what do you do if you feel you can't be yourself in your home or with certain family members? We recommend you find someone who will accept you or a safe place to express yourself. Finding a community of like-minded individuals can be a huge boon to young people who are LGBTQIA+. Communities play an integral role in our development and self-actualization. They have their own norms and values and a wealth of knowledge for those who want to explore themselves. A trustworthy group of people around you who want to see you succeed and feel fulfilled can be a motivator and a safety net. Finding your tribe and feeling part of something bigger can be an integral full-circle moment that aids many people in coming out. Still, you may feel uncomfortable diving headfirst into your local LGBTQIA+ space or lack a safe environment in the home. Don’t be discouraged! You are not beyond self-expression, nor are you unable to clarify and validate your identity. Identity can be a deeply personal matter that can feel incredibly private and vulnerable to explore. The process of exploring your sexuality or gender identity is known as questioning. Questioning can be scary or overwhelming. You may feel confused, uprooted, or that your world is changing. Those who suffer from religious trauma or deeply rooted prejudice may feel disappointed or disgusted with themselves. However, this transformation and allowing yourself to explore your feelings authentically can be deeply affirming. Ultimately, it may help you feel more at ease and in tune with yourself.

The most crucial facet of defining your identity while questioning should always be a curious attitude that doesn’t seek to judge or pigeonhole. Much like when you are dating someone new, going out a few times doesn’t necessarily mean you two will be together forever. It simply means you are trying something out and seeing how it feels. Having this mentality while questioning will allow you to explore more facets of your identity and hopefully find something that truly resonates with you. Aside from focusing on an explorative experience, you should also seek to be emotionally aware and present throughout your journey. As you explore, checking in with your body, mind, and emotional state can help you internalize experiences. It’s important to know that you never have to do something that makes you feel unsafe or uncomfortable. Taking things at your own pace, listening to your body, and keeping tabs on your experiences can smooth the self-discovery process.

While questioning, asking the right things can be crucial. It might feel overwhelming to ask, “Who am I?” but asking simpler questions like “What do I want most?” can yield better results. There are several journaling prompts or questions that we recommend exploring when going through the coming out process. Once you’ve thought about it and explored any avenues that might interest you, you may feel ready to approach the next step: coming out. Regardless of how you share your new truth with others, being grounded is important. Coming out can be very nerve-wracking, and there is often a fear of rejection lurking behind it. If you’re planning to come out to your loved ones, it’s best to do something that helps you feel in control of your emotions beforehand. Whether taking a hot shower, writing down your thoughts, or taking some deep breaths, it’s important to be level-headed. We know that being yourself is nothing to be ashamed of; however, it’s always important to consider your safety. Choose the people you come out to with care, and make sure that your decision to be out and proud will not result in harm to you. If you find yourself in a situation where you feel unsafe, contact a hotline or the authorities as soon as possible. We also recommend having someone on standby to pick you up or bail you out and ensure you have a plan to care for yourself should something bad happen.

Coming out can be a huge landmark for LGBTQIA+ people, and there are a million ways to celebrate it.  Do what feels good to you while coming out. You can be as subtle or extravagant as you want. Once you’ve done the hard work of establishing your identity and coming to terms with yourself for better or for worse, you deserve to do everything and anything that makes you happy. Coming out and finding who you are is an ongoing process. Identity, like many parts of the human condition, is fluctuating and ephemeral and may take some time to figure out. Our advice to you is to take your time and enjoy the journey. To our LGBTQIA+ readers who are out, questioning, or are still in the closet, we see you, love you, and cherish your presence in this world. From all of us at Barewell: we wish you a very happy, healthy, and enjoyable pride month.