Around this time of year hearts start appearing everywhere and the drugstore check out aisles transform into varying shades of red. Social media, magazines, and TV shows begin pushing this message of love. Not a general love though. A very specific, heteronormative type of love. We don’t all fit in this heart-shaped box. Just like CVS currently has a million not-so-subtle shades of hot pink, there are also a million different ways to experience love. Relationships come in all shapes and sizes. Today, we are going to talk about arguably the most important relationship you will have in your life; the one with yourself.

Do you love yourself?

Take a beat here. What have you done for you today? What about this week? Have you made yourself a priority?

Look, I get it. We are told to be selfless, to focus on the happiness of others. This form of altruism sounds amazing, but it is also unrealistic. If you aren’t showing yourself love, how can others know how to? How can you give away what you aren’t receiving?

Let’s work on your relationship with YOU.

Step 1: Stop being so mean!

The first step in building a healthy relationship with yourself is to recognize negative patterns. Do you chastise yourself if you forget a workout or send an email with a typo? Do you bully the reflection you see in the mirror? Would you ever do any of those things to a friend? Grant yourself the kindness you grant others.

Begin by simply noticing what your patterns are. Acknowledge the areas of yourself that you are most critical of and then try to be realistic. Then, take a step back. Try to view the situation objectively for a new perspective. You may find that what you are focusing on is much less significant than you are trying to make yourself believe. This step can be really hard. Noticing the relationship you have with yourself, how you treat you, can be shocking.

If you notice a lot of discomfort here, give us a call.

Step 2: Take care of yourself.

This sounds basic, but it isn’t. Go to bed earlier. Eat vegetables. Get outside. Move your body. Drink water. Imagine what you would tell a child to do, then do that. We all know that these things are good for us. I would even say that most of us know that these things will make us feel better if we do them.

You can start small. Check in with yourself and notice what you are feeling. Do you feel tired? Then sleep more and try to eat a little better. Does your body feel tight and stiff? Incorporate more activity. I repeat: start small. Trying to overhaul all of your habits or drastically change your lifestyle may not be sustainable, but drinking an extra cup of water feels manageable.

Step 3: Prioritize what’s important.

We have convinced ourselves that we are too busy. Of course, this is partially true. We all have responsibilities. But really look at the hours in your day. How many of them are spent looking at a screen? How many are spent doing things to please others? Are you willing to reduce that number by 30 minutes? Maybe 15?

I want you to stop here and literally write down the three things that are most important to you. Is it your health? Your family? Your career? Whatever your top three are, make more time for them in your life. Prioritize them when making decisions. Live your life with your interests as the priority. For example, if your priority is to travel and you get asked to go to an event that sounds fun but costs a lot of money, factor your priorities into the decision. Will going move you closer to your priority or further away?

Step 4: Spend time with people who fill your cup.

The concept of FOMO is part of the zeitgeist for a reason. There is constant pressure to be connected, to be doing something. Spend your time wisely and do it with people you enjoy. When you leave a dinner or a friend’s house, think about whether you feel drained or energized. Try to create a circle of support with people who encourage your growth.

Step 5: Change how you think.

This deserves its own article because it is SO important. Shifting how you think can have a truly dramatic impact. Your perception informs your reality. If you think ‘I am so busy, I don’t have time to do anything’, you are probably going to feel overwhelmed. If you think ‘I am never going to be good enough’, your confidence will go down. What if you focused on your strengths, the blessing in your life? What do you think would change?

Step 6: Notice the good things.

I am about to tell you something no mental health provider has ever said before. Practice gratitude. Okay, jokes aside, gratitude is a popular topic because it actually works. If you spend time thinking about things that are good in your life, things that make you happy, you tend to focus on them more. You will begin noticing more positivity. If you make a habit of writing down what you are grateful for, you will start looking for moments of gratitude in your life. Check out this article from Harvard Medical School if you want to learn more.

Step 7: Understand that this takes time.

Just like every other relationship, this one will take work. You have to build trust. You have to give yourself time. Perfectionism has no place in the relationship you are building with yourself. There will be moments of self-doubt, of mistakes and that’s ok. Just like you would with a friend, you forgive and continue moving forward.

Be the friend you’ve always wanted.

This isn’t about shame or self-righteousness, this is about your happiness. Consider what actually makes YOU happy. Do as much of that as you can.

To help you incorporate these ideas into your life, we made a self care tool kit. Writing down areas of focus can improve your motivation for change. Let us know if you find the tool kit helpful!

How To Love Yourself: 7 Steps To Improve Self Esteem