Attachment Styles: Anxious Attachment

We speak quite frequently on this blog about improving communication, connection, and other aspects of fostering a healthy dynamic with the people in our lives. This sense of harmony with our environment and peace with others is a huge part of our mental health and paves the way for some of our most crucial human experiences. This desire to connect is innate in all of us and, from childhood, we begin to establish a framework for how we approach and relate to others. Attachment styles are one of the most prevalent theories that qualify how we approach our relationships. To recap: an attachment style is a framework that examines the context of our relationship with our caregivers and the effect on our current social patterns. Roughly 40% of adults self-identify as having an insecure attachment, and even those who have a secure attachment style may still struggle with their emotional state around relationships, or fall into unhealthy patterns.

That brings us to the goal. With our ‘Exploring Attachment’ series, we hope to help our blog readers understand more about attachment styles and themselves. So, whether you are seeking self-discovery, or are simply curious about the theory this is the perfect place to learn more. To kick off our series, we’ll begin with ambivalent attachment. Ambivalent attachment, also known as anxious or anxious-preoccupied attachment is the byproduct of inconsistent parenting during periods of stress. The child may struggle to understand what causes love to be “given” and “taken away” and due to this, they may be more experimental in their approach to attracting their caregiver's attention. In addition to this children who experience this sporadic care may develop higher levels of anxiety, difficulty self-soothing, and more intense distress when separated from their caregiver. 

As the name suggests, ambivalence is the state of contradictory thoughts and feelings about someone or something. Think of it this way: during a period of absence, a child may feel betrayed that their parent has left them alone or fearful for their safety, yet, they still deeply crave the comfort of their parents. As is natural, they feel compelled to seek the attention they crave but might also be prone to rejecting soothing gestures or struggling with intimacy. The child wants comfort but may believe their parent's love is fleeting, or no longer trust the adult to provide it for them. In short, ambivalent attachment stems from the desire for attention and love, but the inability to understand the circumstances that it presents itself, and further, fear that when they receive love it will ultimately be taken away.  This push and pull causes friction between the parties and can lead to extreme, self-destructive, or inconsistent behaviors on the part of the child who experienced it.

The anxious-ambivalent attached person is likely to suffer from internalized feelings of neglect and begin to see themselves as the problem. This can also shift their view leading them to see attention and affection from others as the penultimate goal.  This makes ambivalent individuals more needy, prone to emotional outbursts, and more likely to struggle with self-image and esteem. They may struggle with emotional regulation and overly depend on others to solve their problems for them. In adulthood, one of the most prevalent places attachment style comes into play is in our romantic relationships. The ambivalent attached person is still focused on seeking comfort and safety from their partner and may react poorly to perceived neglect. Some ambivalent people may experience extreme jealousy, loneliness, anger, and struggle with true intimacy as they still hold the belief that depending on someone else will end painfully for them. Codependency is also a huge issue ambivalently attached individuals face. Their low self-esteem can lead them to feel that they need a partner to feel ‘complete’. They’re likely to cling to their partner and expect them to constantly soothe their fear of abandonment. Unfortunately, this method can sometimes backfire and cause their partner to feel smothered, further exacerbating the feelings of abandonment that the anxiously attached partner feels. On the other end, these people may never feel safe in a relationship, even with an attentive and consistent partner due to their preconceived notions about love. They may take part in self-destructive behaviors such as questioning their partner's devotion or resisting affection forcing their partner to double down. These behaviors can be draining for their partner and can create a self-fulfilling loop where they inadvertently confirm their fears that love is fleeting.

However, those with an insecure attachment need not feel that this is an inescapable pattern or that they are doomed to struggle with relationships. As we mentioned in an earlier article on attachment styles, this is simply a framework you can use to understand yourself better. You can think of it as a way to give a name to the feeling, but it’s not a condition nor is it a moral failing. What we want to impart most of all is that if you are struggling with an ambivalent attachment, there are ways to overcome it. To that end, we want to offer some ideas to kick off that process. For starters, if you have an ambivalent attachment it’s important to learn to trust others. If you struggle with feeling that others will let you down it’s worth examining where your feelings come from and slowly working up to feeling that you can trust the people in your life. When building trust, it’s always good to start small, give others the benefit of the doubt, instead of assuming that they will wrong you, and start with small premises with low stakes. It’s also important to be mindful of your triggers, and mental processes around validation and your anxiety in relationships. Take some time to journal about what patterns you see, and brainstorm about ways to limit self-sabotage. Learning your mind and the way that you process information can lead to eliminating unhelpful or false ideas surrounding attachment. It’s also important to practice compassion, love yourself despite your reactions, and continue to uplift yourself and promote an attitude of patience and progress.

Finally, one of the most effective tips for improving your attachment is working with a therapist. They can help you reflect on your childhood, ask the important questions that can realign your perspective, and provide ideas about moving forward that may improve your ability to connect. Not to mention, a therapist will provide valuable tools to help with self-soothing and build your self-reliance. Feeling strong within yourself and participating in self-love and validation may lessen the feeling of needing external validation from a partner. Insecure attachment can be difficult to deal with, but it's important to remember that it’s not permanent unless you want it to be. The experiences in childhood affect us, but they do not need to define us for the entirety of our lives. With mindfulness, willingness to improve yourself, and the help of a therapist, you need not feel confined to an attachment style. Understanding yourself and how you handle relationships is the first of many steps to becoming the best version of yourself.