The Holidays and Your Mental Health
In one of our most recent articles, we talked about defining boundaries and speaking up for yourself when needed. In that article, we used family visits for the holidays as an example of a time when boundaries needed to be set. Though holidays can be an extraordinary and fun time for families and friends, it is also known to be one of the most stressful times of the year for several reasons. According to a study by NAMI (National Alliance of Mental Illness), 64% of those who suffer from mental health concerns throughout the year report that holidays put additional stress on their condition.
Whether it be fear of political debates getting out of hand, struggling with finding the right gift, or navigating your children's and partner's needs while interacting with your family, there is a lot to consider. These challenges may be enough to make some people want to swear off the holidays or avoid these scenarios altogether. However, there can be a lot of joy in making memories with those loved ones- if you can overcome the communication barriers that might arise.
We want everyone to enjoy their holidays with their family or friends in a way that will make them happy and comfortable. In this article, as a follow-up, we wanted to speak more at length about tips to protect your mental health during the holiday season, getting clear on your needs, and setting boundaries with loved ones.
Going into the holidays, it’s important to think critically about what sort of experience you want to have, and what experience will be good for you. For example, if you are financially burdened, it doesn’t make much sense to put a lot of pressure on yourself to make sure you get gifts for your entire family. Similarly, if you feel worried that there will be heated political arguments over dinner, it would be important to make that expectation known beforehand, and if things do veer off track, to reassert your position.
If you are going with a partner or a young child, it might be important to check in with them about their expectations and desires as well. A partner may not feel comfortable with physical touching, such as hugs, and you may have to help them navigate that boundary with your family. Knowing what you and your immediate family want and need can give you the clarity of mind to put a proactive plan into action and make asserting yourself in the moment much easier. Setting boundaries and speaking candidly about your needs can often feel like a conflict or confrontation, but it is an essential part of starting better and more functional patterns in motion.
Our most important tip when it comes to deciding what kind of holiday experience you want is you have to put yourself first and be kind. If the holidays are hard for you, give yourself the grace, space, and opportunity to make it easier on yourself. Don’t overburden and overplan your holidays- especially when these events fall on the few opportunities of the year when we can have downtime. It is okay to say no to plans that don't make you feel good or will stress you out. It’s also fine to walk away from situations where people refuse to meet you halfway when it comes to your needs. We say this not to promote self-centered behavior, but with the recognition that if your baseline needs are not met, you won’t be able to be your best self for the ones you care about, and that can be a disservice to them as well.
Your responsibility to yourself comes first; as long as you make a concerted effort to make your preferences and boundaries known, people who don't respect them may not be the best place to spend your energy. Prioritize self-care, rest, and eating good food to offset the indulgent holiday snacking. Take time to be in nature, practice breathing and meditation, and keep up with your therapy. All of these things will help you stay balanced, and make you stronger and more fortified while having difficult conversations with family and friends when they come up.
Now that you’re clear on your responsibility to yourself, and your desires for a holiday experience, you have to take the time to express this to your family and friends. The way you express these needs to them can greatly affect how they receive your request, but so can the place. It is not recommended that your boundaries be set during a confrontation, instead, being proactive and sharing your feelings ahead of time can go a long way. It might be a good idea to give the host of your family Christmas party a call and let them know how you're feeling ahead of time, let them know what is within your boundaries, and talk about ways to accommodate that.
As we discussed last time, speaking candidly about how things make you feel in a kind but firm way is a good way to diffuse defensiveness. We know that asking someone to change their behavior may feel like an attack, but assuring them that it is more about you than them can be helpful. Asking them for their help as opposed to telling them you won't accept something is also more likely to get a good response. If the conversation escalates or devolves into yelling or name-calling you may need to walk away. One practical tip is to use “I statements” rather than “you statements.” For example, here is the same phrase said in two different ways.
1) You shouldn’t bring up the election at the table, no one wants to talk about that right now.
2) I feel uneasy when politics get brought up, because I want to focus my attention on having a good time with you.
While both statements are saying the same thing, the second sounds less accusatory, and is more likely to get a positive response.
If the person you are talking to bluntly refuses, then you have to make a decision as to whether or not that is a dealbreaker. Honoring your boundary on the subject may mean leaving the room when a certain topic gets brought up, or it may mean not attending the gathering at all. Ultimately it is up to you, but make sure it is a choice you make for yourself first. For the sake of yourself and your boundaries, learning to say no to things that don’t serve you is a must.
In any situation involving family, it can be hard to say no. It can bring up guilt and a number of other difficult emotions. Perhaps you're a people pleaser who is paralyzed by fear when you think of disappointing someone. It’s important to remember that learning to say no can relieve a lot of pressure on yourself, especially around the holidays. If you are struggling with declining that invitation to a dinner party you don't have the time for, there are ways to make that process easier.
First and foremost, remember that your time is valuable, and so is your presence. You don’t have to show up to every event you're offered because some of them will likely be less important than taking time to rest or doing another activity. Secondly, graciously rejecting something can soften the blow. You don’t need to lie and say you're sick or busy- you can simply thank the person for the invite and politely decline. If you feel doubt in your worth, or fear of losing your place, remind yourself that this “mountain” might just be a “molehill”, and likely will not cause a huge upheaval as you fear.
Though what the other person may be feeling when rejected is valid, it is not your responsibility to monitor or correct what they feel. You can feel okay about saying no. This becomes easier when you realize ‘no’ is the penultimate defense against overwork or burnout and a surefire way to honor yourself and reassert your boundaries. Moving forward, there is always hope that you and the other person may be able to see eye to eye and move past the conflict in a way that honors you both. Until then, you have every right to maintain your position, and in doing so you open yourself up to better opportunities.
Another thing to keep in mind is that the less you choose to take on, the better you can engage in what you do choose. Instead of being a ghost in the background of many holiday engagements, by choosing to only go to the ones that resonate, you can show up being your most authentic and comfortable self, and be surrounded by people who accept and uplift you. It is our hope that everyone who struggles during the holidays can feel more peace by learning the power of no, asserting their boundaries, and protecting their mental health.