Navigating Expectations for the New Grad

If you’re anything like me you have a love-hate relationship with expectations. Sometimes it’s the only thing keeping you going on your path to greatness; other times it's an oppressive force that ruins experiences because they didn't live up to the hype in your head.

Buddhists believe that attachment to outcomes (expectations) is the root of all suffering, and sometimes that’s true. Having expectations is an emotional pact you make with yourself, which means negative feelings may come with failure. On the other hand, expectations help regulate your worldview and relationships. If you liken expectations to standards, meeting those benchmarks means respecting your wishes and living up to your desired potential.

The question then is how do we find the middle ground between meeting our standards, and not becoming so attached to the outcome that we are disappointed when things fail to work out? The answer is in regulating expectations and making sure the things we want are realistic. This can be difficult today, especially for recent college graduates. 

Leaving school can be a breeding ground for unrealistic expectations. Most graduates have the “now what?” moment, where they realize that all the pressure they put on themselves to finish was just the beginning of a world of endless possibilities. In a time of constant change and uncertainty, it's easy to make inaccurate assessments of what should happen at this point in their lives.

Stress and disillusionment among college grads are well documented by professional psychologists and academic leaders. As of 2022 over two-thirds of college students have experienced significant emotional distress. In a study by the American College Health Association (ACHA) 35% of students claimed to have anxiety, and 27% claimed depression. This study also pointed to worrying trends of high stress, isolation, hopelessness, substance abuse, and suicidal ideation among the students surveyed with the most affected groups being college athletes and members of the LGBTQ+ community.

The cocktail of challenges grads face and their expectations are already enough to cause distress, but when paired with expectations from family it can push some to their breaking point. Imagine you are among the first to graduate college in your family; this situation may leave you feeling like family cannot understand the struggles that you are going through. Alternatively, they may not be able to see your situation clearly or empathize with the difficult conditions that you face.

Though it’s easy to rationally write off these unrealistic requests, having the voices of your family in the background and the sacrifices they have made to give you opportunities may make the pressure you feel to succeed more intense. Another factor that might contribute to the high expectations grads have for their life after school is social media. The lens through which we view others' lives online is almost always idealized. Seeing students and graduates breezing through classes and immediately landing a great job as soon as they finish school can make students feel like they are underachieving.

No two graduates will have the same reality when graduating and entering the workforce and this new phase of life. So why do we get so swept up in this image of a “perfect transition”? Though expectations come from a good place, when they start to prevent your forward motion it’s important to reevaluate where you stand and what you want. Young people should try to keep this perspective in mind as they navigate expectations and find fulfillment in their reality.

Understanding your goals and focusing on the tasks you want to accomplish is a good first step toward managing expectations. When setting expectations for yourself, your goals should be grounded and specific. For example, If you want to focus on your career, deciding what is important to you (ie salary, hours worked, internship vs paid position, and location) and then making a clear and realistic path to that goal is the most sustainable way to achieve what you want. If you want a home, make a short list of traits you want, research the area, and establish a budget.  

Unknowns have a way of morphing into shadowy monsters when left unchecked, and can easily distort your goals and self-esteem. Often the “what if’s” are the scariest factor when navigating a path to success. Additionally keeping things simple and clear can cut down on the guesswork about what you need to do. You have enough on your plate without considering every possible factor and every bit of advice or opinion thrown at you.

As a graduate, you have several expectations placed on you. Not only from your family but also from your alma mater and new jobs you may be applying to. Setting healthy boundaries around yourself for behavior you won't accept, or situations you don’t want to be a part of can protect you from overbearing or predatory practices within the workforce. It’s more than okay to say no when you need to and place your best efforts into practices that benefit and resonate with you.

Though these boundaries may differ from person to person, the important concept to keep in mind when establishing your baseline is safety, reciprocation, and respect. No one who hasn’t been through your situation can judge you or tell you how you should proceed. The path you want to walk is your choice, and listening to outside voices who may not have your best interest in mind is a one-way track to not honoring yourself.

Finally, developing a good or at least amicable relationship with failure or disappointment can also absolve stress around expectations. As I mentioned earlier, the expectations we place on ourselves are often emotionally charged. Coming to terms with not meeting every expectation you make for yourself or have placed on you is essential to growth and your emotional attachment to these goals. Accepting yourself for where you are, gratitude for what you can do, and grace when you don’t meet an expectation are all important factors.

Leaving school and entering the workforce can be an exciting time for graduates and it’s important to remember that. With the right mix of boundaries, balance, and a fair number of reality-checks, grads can approach this new stage of life with new clarity and drive. They can work towards their goals unhindered by the expectations that might slow them down or make them less happy with the place they’ve reached. Be proud of how far you have come and give yourself the chance to be great beyond school because you are capable of living a happy and successful life.