Bullying
Our time in school can be among the most memorable parts of our young lives. For better or worse, the things we experience during these formative years can have a lasting effect on our development and shape us in unexpected ways. It’s a difficult time to navigate. Between the changes to our bodies and minds and the environment we are in, plenty can go wrong. Among the top negative experiences an adolescent might be exposed to is bullying. Most children and adolescents will experience bullying at some point in their life. Even if they are not the target of the bullying, they will otherwise be exposed to it when it happens to a peer or playmate. According to a study conducted in 2019, one out of every five children will experience some form of bullying during their school years. Unsurprisingly, this problem has caused a stir among parents and teachers alike and has prompted the formation of many antibullying campaigns and organizations. Still, we want to be part of the conversation about what causes bullying, how to discourage negative behaviors, and most importantly how to offer support to the adolescents in your life who may be victims.
First off, what is bullying? Though it can feel like a buzzword at times, concretely, bullying is an abuse of a real or perceived imbalance of power and is defined by repeated aggressive behavior or intentional harming of peers. Some other types of bullying can include physical harm (pushing, shoving, etc.), emotional damage, being excluded on purpose, being the subject of malicious rumors, or online harassment. Pairing these types of behaviors with the preexisting stress teens and tweens face can be devastating. Those who experience bullying are more likely to develop mental health problems such as anxiety and depression. Some other side effects of being bullied are loss of appetite and sleep changes, skipping or dropping out of school, feelings of loneliness and isolation, and withdrawal from previously enjoyed activities.
There have also been several studies that indicate the effects of bullying can extend beyond adolescent years. Victims of bullying aged 18-50 have been shown to suffer more often from psychosis, or suicidal ideation, be more likely to internalize problems and develop anxiety, and even have worse physical well-being and financial habits than their counterparts. Though being a bully isn’t considered a behavioral disorder it can be associated with a lack of empathy and occasionally, sociopathy. So this begs the question: why do bullies bully? Though bullying is never right, some might say bullying is “natural” as there may be roots to the behavior in our biology.
The psychological community has several theories about what causes people to become bullies, however, keeping in mind that bullying is often the exploitation of a real or perceived power imbalance, we can gain some insight into one potential cause. Status is a valuable resource, both in the modern day and for our ancestors. Bullying is a way to boost your status within a social hierarchy, though by dubious means. Additionally, consider that in nature, making yourself seem bigger, stronger, or more dangerous might make you less likely to be attacked by predators. Some psychologists believe bullying is a way of masking insecurities or highlighting their victims so that people are less likely to see them as fragile. Another reason that bullying may come up is for emotional regulation purposes. A commonality among most bullies is that they have poor emotional regulation, and often seek out extreme methods to control their environment as a way to self-soothe. This more often happens when the bully is also a victim of bullying or comes from a less stable background. Whether that environment is a lower socioeconomic status, emotionally unsupportive, or abusive, these individuals are perpetuating a cycle of negativity and enacting the pain they receive onto others of lower status to grapple with their circumstances.
All these concepts have one thing in common: bullying behaviors are a result of an issue within the bully. More often than not, this hostility towards their peers stems from low self-esteem or the feeling that they must directly compete. Though the way they have chosen to deal with their problems shows poor emotional intelligence or lack of empathy, it does not mean that they are not also suffering. That said, it is important that as a mentor to someone who is a bully, you approach the situation from a gentle but firm perspective. Under no circumstances should you allow a bully to continue to cause physical harm or harass their peers however, it is important to acknowledge there is a need within the behavior that wants to be addressed. With bullies, one of the best ways to help them make better decisions is to build up their esteem. It is also important to teach ways of exercising power (without using aggression) and encourage positive behaviors. Well-adjusted, socialized, and emotionally intelligent children are far less likely to bully or become the victim of bullying. Most importantly, it means that you can play a role in stopping a cycle that often repeats itself for generations to come and prevent negative consequences for the victims.
Though empathy is important when it comes to the source of the problem, it is just as important we address those who are victims with the same empathy. Most victims are hesitant to share that they were bullied as it can be a source of shame, but it’s incredibly important that we encourage openness. Your involvement may make all the difference in how a child processes the incident and internalizes the situation going forward. If someone in your life tells you they have been bullied, it’s important to remain calm and not respond emotionally. Making a big deal may embarrass the child and discourage them from sharing with you. Instead, take time to listen to them fully; be careful not to place blame, or minimize their experience. Praise them for their openness and allow them the opportunity to problem solve by letting them propose their solution. Remind them that the incident was not their fault and reassure them that you have their back and that there is a way forward.
We can provide the children in our lives with tools that will give them a leg up when dealing with bullying. You may be tempted to call up the bullies' parents or report the incident to the teacher, and though this is important when an incident becomes serious, it can often have negative consequences. It is essential to put the power in the victims' hands and allow them to deal with the situation on their own terms so that they learn healthier coping skills and how to regulate themselves.
We compiled a short list of tips you can give your child to help them deal with instances of bullying when it arises:
Keep Your Cool - Often, bullies are seeking a reaction. If you don’t react they will not feel as tempted to target you. This can be difficult in the moment, but you can prepare by practicing deep regulating breaths and learning to speak calmly even when upset.
Get Backup - Often, bullies will target their victims when isolated, so knowing who is in your corner and staying close to them in vulnerable situations can help keep you safe. This may include traveling between classes or eating lunch with a supportive friend.
Address the Problem - Sometimes, standing up to a bully can shake their resolve. Remind your child not to resort to name-calling, or physical violence, but encourage them to take a firm stance. Say things like “I don’t have to take this.” or “Aren’t you tired of doing this?” followed by walking away can be an effective way to discourage bullying behavior.
Use Empathy - Knowing what you know about a bully's motivations, you can share this with your child and let them use it to motivate a positive change. If your child can show empathy for their bully, it may cause them to self-reflect. Either that or the discomfort of being called out may drive them away.
Be Confident - Being self-aware and self-assured is a good way to avoid bullying. Being comfortable in your skin, and less “shakeable” in who you are means there is less a bully can exploit. If your child is targeted for something like their race, sexuality, or physical appearance, having confidence in those aspects of self can help the negativity roll off of them more easily.
See Something, Say Something - The golden rule is NEVER ignore instances of bullying or treat it as an unserious matter. If your child or someone they know is being bullied, make sure your child knows who to talk to if they feel unsafe. Encourage them to stand up for others or offer help when they can.
These are some simple tips, however, bullying is serious and can have long-term effects, so don’t hesitate to reach out to a therapist or professional if you don’t have the skills or tools to help the child in your life. There are many different methods to help a child who has been bullied, or who might be a bully, and both deserve the chance to heal and grow through the difficult adolescent years.
My parting insight is that bullying is a common situation for adolescents to experience, so let’s not add to the stigma surrounding it and embrace our children with empathy and give them the power to overcome it. By doing the work at home to prepare them, making sure they have adequate support at school, and building up both those who are bullies and those who are bullied we can begin to make a difference.