A while back, one of our clinicians provided us with an excellent article on attachment style. This is a hot-button topic in the psychology world. In fact, it’s one of the most widely discussed theories about our relationship tendencies and how we connect with others. Its popularity alone might be a reason to delve into the topic, but it’s often discussed in a way that neglects the finer details. The concept of attachment is fascinating, but understanding it is essential to having productive conversations about how you interact with others.
Understanding our upbringing and what experiences shape us can provide a springboard to propel us to healthier habits and lead us to overcome unhelpful patterns. As we know, we carry the experiences of our youth into adulthood, for better or worse, and attachment style is no exception. For many of us, our attachment style is something we need to be mindful of when entering relationships and may impact our health and mentality. This lesson is twofold for those raising the next generation and wanting to know what will affect their children most.

But before we can address our attachment style, we have to truly understand it. What are the building blocks of connection? What factors affect our attachment? Whether you’re fascinated by the way our connections take shape, want to take steps to form more healthy connections, or want to learn more about yourself, this article should be helpful. Join us as we dive deeper into the theory of relationships.

Beginning Stages of Attachment

What better place to begin than the beginning? We form the building blocks of attachment from our earliest stirrings in childhood. Bowlby, the theory's originator, based most of his ideas about connection around the initial bond between mother and child. This initial connection can often set the tone for our attachment style.

When children are born, they may not always be able to identify all the emotions they are experiencing or access higher-level needs. Though this does not exclude them from having safety or emotional recognition needs, their needs will significantly change and evolve as they age. Most children will have some basic form of attachment by eight months and will continue to refine this understanding throughout their young life. 

Schafer and Emerson offer a four-step timeline that focuses on early attachment but approaches from a psychosocial perspective. They acknowledge alternative family structures and posit that children can form multiple connections with caretakers and close relatives of varying strengths. Their timeline slightly differs from Bowlby’s original outline and is more widely accepted in psychology circles today.

Schafer and Emerson state that the asocial stage occurs between birth and two months. Children can be favorable to all caregivers who show positive reactions during this primary stage. From two to seven months, children enter the indiscriminate attachment stage. The two made the key distinction that children in this stage prefer human attention to stimulation from inanimate objects but have no preference for caregivers. By the seven to nine-month mark, children enter the specific attachment stage wherein they look to specific caregivers for security, comfort, and care. 

Finally, children form multiple attachments by ten to eighteen months; these bonds can be with close relatives or other adults who react warmly toward them. These bonds have varying strengths and help a child manage different needs. For example, a child may seek comfort from a father figure but go to a close aunt when they feel playful. This is also the earliest point where an attachment style can form, depending on the type of interactions that children have with their various caregivers.

Factors That Affect Attachment

As we mentioned in our initial article, the theory of attachment gives context to our relationship with our primary caregivers. This style affects our communication and ability to navigate conflict. It’s a popular belief that most of our psychological makeup is rooted in our early childhood, but it often doesn’t end there. The factors most likely to affect our attachment can continue from that early developmental mark into our teens and early twenties.

The most influential ongoing factor in our attachment is the intersection between self-image and the image of others. Self-image is how much we trust or feel secure within ourselves, whereas the image of others refers to how much we trust others to meet our needs. When both factors are present children are able to form a secure attachment, but if one or both are missing it can lead to avoidant, ambivalent, or disorganized attachment.

Self-image is cultivated when a child is encouraged, has successful interactions with caregivers and their environment, or gains independence. Parents can help foster a positive sense of self by encouraging a positive attitude, allowing children space to make their own decisions, and enforcing their worth and competence when applicable. By cultivating a positive self-image, children will feel more confident approaching people they want to connect with, be more likely to self-soothe and avoid people-pleasing or self-sacrificing behaviors. 

On the other hand, the image of others is cultivated by close relations, successfully acknowledging bids for attention and emotional cues and providing safety and security. This boils down to whether an individual feels they can trust the people in their lives to meet their needs or, at the very least, not cause them harm or distress. Parents can foster a positive image of others by keeping promises, honoring and treating their children's emotions with care, spending ample time bonding with them, and providing them with a helping hand when needed during their upbringing. 

Learning From Your Attachment Style

Examining what aspects of your upbringing were strong and weak can give you insight into your attachment style and how it causes you to relate with others. Keeping these factors in mind can be beneficial for understanding yourself and improving how you approach romantic and platonic relationships throughout adulthood.

Considering the role of self-image and how we perceive others, it should not be surprising that developing trust for others and positive self-esteem are crucial when cultivating a more secure attachment style. Though it can be easy to blame your parents for challenges you face with others, you owe it to yourself to heal childhood wounds and work towards healthy and functional relationships for yourself here and now. 

As a reminder, your attachment style and childhood experiences are not the be-all and end-all. The information we provide and self-examination are powerful tools to build toward something better. Much like any other facet of your mental state, your attachment style, whether secure or insecure, can change if you want it to. We plan to follow up on the blog with more content regarding attachment style, so if it’s something you’re interested in, stay tuned.

As a parting sentiment, we encourage everyone to check in with themselves occasionally to understand, grow, and improve. Relationships, regardless of your upbringing, can be challenging. If you’re struggling with insecure attachment or need extra support navigating relationship dynamics, you should reach out to a therapist for help. Our office offers a free consultation for residents of California that will match you with a therapist in our network. To connect with others is one of the many joys of being human, and to deprive yourself because of what happened when you were a child is a disservice to yourself.