In any facet of life, we must be able to communicate. Whether in a professional setting, our personal lives, or even practical situations, being able to relay your message clearly and concisely is a skill that can be used almost every day. Communication is the foundation for expression, and an essential part of bonding and negotiating with others as well as spreading information. Being a good communicator could be the key to getting more out of your therapy sessions, or resolving issues that may crop up in your domestic or work life.

Becoming a confident and effective communicator can make any cooperative activity you face easier, but what makes for a good communicator? We believe that there are five main assets that you should focus on in order to develop your communication skills: message, clarity, emotional intelligence, engagement, and confidence. In this article we will be discussing simple ways to improve those five assets.

Message

This can refer not only to what you want to say but how you say it. For example, if you're disagreeing with your partner because they leave their clothing on the bathroom floor (we’ve all been there) there are a few paths to take on how to address the situation. You could complain about the clothing directly- however, this may not be the clearest or most concise version of what you’re feeling. Perhaps, deeper down, what bothers you about them leaving their clothes is that it reflects a lack of respect or effort. Maybe it is about mental workload or just because it makes you feel like you're nagging. Taking time to reflect and get clear about what you really want to say is an important step when trying to communicate your needs. What exactly is the message you are trying to communicate?

We’ve all heard about I/me statements, which are statements about us, and our feelings rather than other people. Thinking about ways to communicate what you think or feel that primarily reflect your emotional state or thoughts can help avoid defensiveness. Communicating in this way can also feel more authentic and cathartic. When crafting your message, consider what the intended response is. If you want to make someone feel guilty for doing you wrong- the message likely will not be received well. This form of communication may not help you resolve negative feelings. In the case of the clothes, the intended response is that they stop leaving their things out, and start putting them in the laundry. To communicate this way doesn't mean that wanting an apology or validation is off the table, they can happen mutually. Once you’ve cleared up your true intention in asking and chosen the correct way to express it you've already improved your chances of success.

Clarity

This brings us to the next staple of communication: clarity. Clarity refers to how easy it is to understand what you are saying. Clarity of the message you're trying to share can include keeping things brief and concise without too much deviation or extra frills. Speaking about your feelings in precise terms and keeping them rooted in the present conflict can make it easier for the other person to digest and truly understand your message. As much as it can be tempting to bring up other issues to make a point during a conflict, this can convolute the argument and make the other person feel worse. Bringing up the past can also work to take attention away from what it is you are trying to accomplish and the response you are hoping to receive.

When it comes to clarity in your delivery it is important to focus on speaking clearly, at a reasonable volume and pace. Making eye contact, and doing your best to avoid words such as “like” or other words that minimize (a little, sometimes, kinda) can help keep your message clear and strong. Another tip is to avoid vocabulary that is too complicated as this can be misinterpreted or leave gaps that the other person may not understand.

Emotional Intelligence

Now that we have laid the foundation for what it is we want to say, we can talk more about how we want to say it. Which brings us to our next point: emotional intelligence. As with any conflict, emotions can run high; we can get swept up in defensiveness or feeling unheard, however, keeping a cool head is key when trying to communicate effectively. Taking a few deep stabilizing breaths when you feel unsure or before you speak can help you regulate your nervous system. Staying grounded helps avoird the “fight or flight” response from being triggered.

Aside from your well-being, emotional intelligence also allows you to access empathy for the person you are in conflict with. Understanding someone else’s point of view and being able to hold space for their feelings even when your own are in disarray is difficult. However, doing so will make the person you are trying to communicate with feel more sympathetic to you. I’ve referred to communication in the past as a give-and-take, and that is the reality. In most cases, regardless of where the conflict starts, both people have to give to reach a consensus.

Engagement

Speaking of consensus, when having meaningful and effective communication, reaching a good compromise or understanding both voices must be heard. This is where engagement comes in. Engagement in communication refers to how involved or focused both parties are during the conversation. Simple things like eye contact can improve the feeling of connection when speaking to someone and may even prompt them to more readily open up. Engagement is also about evoking emotions in the person you’re talking to; whether this be through humor, appealing to their better nature, or asking questions and listening actively to their side. Engagement is also the key to making a lasting impression- engaging conversations stay with you and the lessons learned and promises made are more likely to be met. Developing a positive sense of self also aids in engagement. People with a positive sense of self are seen as more trustworthy and knowledgeable.

Confidence

Engaging those you communicate with is important, but a key feature of being engaging is being confident, this is why it is the final (and most important) touchpoint to improve your skills. Most everyone wants to improve their confidence and feel worthy and strong within themselves. Developing a good self-image isn’t something that can be cultivated overnight, but there are a few tricks you can employ while communicating that will make you seem confident. One of which is to use confident body language. Most of communication is non-verbal or based on tone, so having good posture, straight shoulders, a wide stance, and open body language free of fidgeting can make you seem more confident than you may feel.

Being assertive but not inflexible can also show confidence. At the end of the day, you don't have to enter every conversation or conflict with unflinching bravery and demand your needs be met. Sometimes it's enough to hold the genuine belief that you deserve to be heard and that the things you need can take up space. Being willing to put yourself out there in an honest way is a brave and worthwhile endeavor.

Growing your communication skills is something everyone can benefit from, especially during the Holidays. Learning how to communicate more effectively will make it easier to set boundaries to keep your family experiences positive, interact with new people or service workers, and resolve conflicts so you move into the New Year with a positive mindset. Most importantly, becoming a better and more confident communicator will be good for YOU as you learn to express your inner world and feelings. So, regardless of your reason, when you have to speak to someone, keep our tips in mind: Speak your refined and sincere message with clarity, emotional intelligence, engagement, and most of all confidence!