September is Suicide Prevention Awareness Month. You may have seen the statistics and resources being shared on social media and the news. If you have, you may know that suicide is the second leading cause of death for people age 10-34 or that the past decade has seen a 35% increase in suicide rates.

Suicide is an important topic. It can no longer be ignored. 

As a mental health clinician, we become desensitized. We often ask multiple people a day “have you had thoughts of killing yourself?”. What has always been impactful for me, is to personalize it. Hearing statistics makes it seem important. Hearing someone’s story makes it seem real. 

In honor of suicide prevention month and in honor of someone close to me, I am going to share a story.

I lost a loved one to suicide. It can be hard to understand why someone that appears vibrant and full of life would complete suicide. Let me tell you, looks can be deceiving. Many of us have strong coping strategies and defense mechanisms that keep our pain locked up, out of sight. While this approach will help keep external perceptions managed, it also isolates, prevents connection, and allows negative thoughts to spiral. Shame and loneliness grow in the dark.

That is how my loved one ended up on the wrong side of the statistics. She suffered in silence. She kept us all at a slight distance, close enough to know something was off but never close enough to see the demons face-to-face. To those around her, she seemed like the life of the party. Sure, she had her down moments but being so alive takes a lot of energy! That is what we all told ourselves. 

We never asked. We never had the courage to say directly, “are you thinking of killing yourself”. 

As a society, we are moving closer towards acceptance of mental health but we are still pretty far from compassion. What would happen to suicide rates if mental health was something we discussed like injury. Imagine being at a football game and hearing the players be interviewed about their strategy for managing performance anxiety or the depression that comes after a loss rather than their muscle tear. What do you think that would do for the young adult that feels alone in their pain? 

As therapists, we are taught to be a mirror, a blank slate. We should connect but not self disclose. Remain attuned but distant. There is space for that strategy. I don’t think that suicide awareness is one of them. I think the more people understand the breadth and prevalence, the more comfortable they will feel checking in on loved ones and discussing their own struggles. 

I lost a very close friend to suicide. It rocked me. I needed support from my loved ones, I needed to talk about it, and I needed my own therapy. I did not want to do a single one of those things, but I did and it helped. Shortly after this loss, I had an encounter with a family member that left me uneasy. I directly asked her “are you thinking of killing yourself?”. I could see the question scared her and I immediately worried I had gone too far but then she was able to share and I was able to get her support. 

I am sharing this to acknowledge that asking can feel scary, even for someone who does it often. I can tell you from personal experience, I am very glad I asked this time. Asking can save a life. I hope you ask too if you need too. 

Below you will find a few tups for providing support. You can call the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at 988. They are available 24/7. You are not alone. 

Tips for supporting someone in crisis: 

• Remove any means such as sharp objects, firearms, or pills.

• Ask direct questions like “are you having thoughts of ending your life?”.

• Express support and concern.

• Try to assume a patient, calm affect. Avoid pacing, fidgeting, or changes in your tone of voice. 

• Call or text 988 the new Suicide and Crisis Lifeline.