This time of year, many of us find ourselves spending more time with loved ones. As you plan your trips to see family and friends, you might want to create a bit of an emotional roadmap. When we think of being a visitor at someone else’s home or having visitors at our own homes we often focus on ensuring comfort, planning logistics, and discussing meals and activities. Very little time is spent considering our emotional needs and how we can ensure those are met. That’s interesting right? No wonder there are so many stereotypes of the stressed out holiday mom or memes of relatives being ridiculous at the Christmas table.

The final month of the year is an exciting one, but it can be stressful as well. Our energy is often placed into festive celebrations and making those close to us feel loved. This leaves less time than normal for OUR needs, our routines, our wellness. So rather than running yourself ragged trying to people please or overfunctioning to create the perfect moment, let’s think about some ways you can put in an amount of effort that feels comfortable for you and allows you to stay present in the best moments. 

Number 1: Be realistic. 

Look, I don’t want to start off on a pessimistic note, but you cannot achieve perfection. It is not attainable. Trust me, I have spent years trying. The more you can let that go, the happier you will be. Rather than viewing this as an incredibly stressful statement, take a breathe and try to view it as a tremendous relief. Just doing your best actually is enough. So let’s take out that to-do list and be realistic. Are their items on your list that are unnecessary? That will cause you more stress than they will good? Maybe there is something you can say no to because it just doesn’t serve you right now. Whatever it is, I hope you can re-examine your own expectations with this mantra: People that love and support you will still love and support you despite your imperfections.

Number 2: Say no. 

You might think we just covered that but I have so much more to say about the phrase “no”. No is not rude. No is not disrespectful. No is assessing your own needs and honoring them. No is communicating a boundary. No is kind. You know why no is kind? Because it allows you to protect your energy and it prevents you from showing up to an event and being unhappy, irritated, or exhausted. A tried and true trick I use: if you had to attend the event tonight, would you still say yes or are you agreeing to attend because it is far off in the future and not something you have to face right now? If the event is something you would attend tonight, then you know you are not just agreeing to avoid saying not but because you are genuinely excited. 

Number 3: Make time for yourself.

One thing my therapist told me before a trip I recently went on was to maintain some iteration of my morning routine because it is really important to me. This sounds obvious but it was a novel concept for me. I thought I wouldn’t need to practice my routine on vacation because, well, it’s vacation. It was the best trip I have ever been on. I felt grounded, comfortable, and present. For me, making time for myself means getting up a little bit earlier and moving my body. For you, it could mean stepping away before dinner to take a few breaths or making time to call your partner. Maybe it is setting aside an hour to watch your favorite show. You deserve time for yourself, even on vacation. That sends a message that you value you. 

Number 4: Consider how to engage with controversial topics ahead of time.

We all have heard the troupe about two topics not to be discussed at the dinner table. Every family and group of friends is different. If there is a specific topic you know will cause controversy at your table, reflect in advance on how you would like to handle it so that if it does come up, you are prepared rather than reacting from a place of emotion.

Number 5: Communicate your needs clearly.

For all my people pleasers out there, this can be a tough one. If there is a need you have, like 30 minutes alone in the morning or a dietary restriction or even a time you need to step away. Make that known, preferably in advance. When I told my family I would be going to the gym and then to get a coffee and then would be excited to spend time with them, everyone respected it. They respected it because I told them clearly in advance what my needs were. It wasn’t as easy as I made it sound. I was worried my family would perceive it as rude or ungrateful. That didn’t happen. Everyone understood and wanted me to do what was best for me. 

If this list feels difficult or overwhelming, please reach out. I have been in your position. We are all a work in progress! Wishing you a happy holiday season with those you love (including yourself).